do not go gently
by ArtisticAbandon
Summary: He's known all his life that his body hates him. Oh, the doctors put fancy terms on it. Progressive this, acute that, chronic disease that. In practical terms that means nothing beyond the fact that every day is different. Some days he's fine. Most days he's not. It's all just different levels of broken, really. (or, shiro on life, death and other things, from s1 to post-s6)


Not mine, do not own. Also, sneaking in before the new season drops, so there is that. Its probably going to get jossed in a few hours anyway. :)

Summary: He's known all his life that his body hates him. Oh, the doctors put fancy terms on. Progressive this, acute that, chronic disease that. In practical terms that means nothing beyond the fact that every day is different. Some days he's fine. Most days he's not. It's all just different levels of broken, really.

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 **DO NOT GO GENTLY**

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He's known all his life that his body hates him. Oh, the doctors put fancy terms on it. Progressive this, acute that, chronic disease that.

In practical terms that means nothing beyond the fact that every day is different. Some days he's fine. Most days he's not. It's all just different levels of broken, really.

He's spent his life in and out of doctor clinics and medical equipment. Just because he'd managed a few stable years to complete his training at Garrison doesn't mean _anything_.

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He'd say it's ironic that Prognosis Day coincided with the day he got the nod for Kerberos, but he'd be lying.

It isn't an irony at all.

(Not that he tells people that, of course. He's never let people in enough to know about the former, only ever lets them see the latter.) (Because given a choice between being a footnote in the Garrisons annuals - yeah, he can hear it already, remember that guy with the disease such a shame what happened to him... - or _going to Kerberos_ \- yeah, remember the guy who went to _Pluto_? - its such a stupid choice it takes him a under a second to choose.)

(Especially after Adam.)

So he has a few less days on this Earth than everyone else. Big fricken' deal.

Just means he has more reason to make them count.

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Going to Kerberos is not a thing for him until it is - for everyone else. And then it became A Thing that seems to not only take over _his life_ but also the entire _Garrison_.

How the hell is this his life anyway?

It's definitely going to be a relief to just get away from all the hype. (Irony: he's going to the edge of the solar system to get away from the hype about going there.)

Bonus: at least they were finally talking about the trip and not his stupid body.

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All this way, and it all came down to some ice cores.

That they didn't even get, dammit.

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That he's the only one awake (aliens! here there be aliens!) doesn't surprise him.

Pain is an old friend.

While everyone else (the Holts) is insensate and out to it, for damn sure he's gonna be wide awake and spitting fire (pleading for Earth). First alien contact, first speech to verifiable alien on a definite ship, and he's doing it with a concussion because he's too stubborn (stupid) to lay down and close his eyes when he's supposed to. Yay, go him.

Alien tractor beams literally sucked.

Pun definitely intended.

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Not much more stands out for him from his time with Galra.

 _pain.. sass... pain.. agony... pain..._

He knows at some point his body failed, his _arm_ failed... but other than that... its all a blur... one big mess... it's not something he likes to admit, to poke at if he can help it.

Yeah, okay, its not healthy... but its _his_ dammit.

They're not taking _anything else_ from him.

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His memories clear up again round about the time of his escape.

Maybe.

Sedation has a lot to answer for.

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He has to be the last one to think he's qualified when he's picked for leader.

Him? With his lifespan?

She's joking. Tell him she's joking.

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She's not joking.

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Okay. Right.

He's a past master of putting on a good face while internally failing. Having a body that hates him actually helps in that.

He has to wonder, though, exactly what the princess sees in him. The only leadership experience he has (that he remembers anyway) was the Kerberos Thing and getting their ragtag group here. None of which actually counts, because 1) Sam Holt lead the Kerberos Thing, not him, and 2) the blue lion was doing the leading on the way here, not him.

He's so not qualified.

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Turns out maybe the qualifications he (the Garrison) thought were so important maybe aren't. Either that or he read the leadership handbook wrong, which you know, probably happened.

Because getting the green lion was _easy_.

All he has to do was sit back and watch Pidge work.

And nudge her away from a total meltdown, but still. Easy. No leadership here at all, just, y'know, being _a friend_.

He still doesn't see it.

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The lion.

Right.

 _The lion._

Turns out having a lion _in your head_ (that talked _back_ ) is actually a Thing.

His life may never be the same.

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One of the changing moments of his life comes when Black told him she (it? but that doesn't feel right, so 'she' it is) _remembers_.

She remembers the ones who sit in her.

It gives him comfort to know that after he's gone, someone, somewhere, will still remember him. Will know him, think about him... And who better to do that than a being that knows him as well as he does himself, that has literally seen inside his mind and likes him anyway?

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"Voltron... Defenders of the Universe."

Yeah.

Easy to say. Harder to live up to.

He has to take a moment every now and then in his room and have some "quiet" time with what passed for a pillow. When in actual truth he's screaming into it and/or punching it. Giving himself a reality check in the craziness that is now his life.

He can feel the responsibility (of the team, of the castle, of _the universe_ holy hell) weighing on his shoulders. His aching, failing shoulders.

He can't do this.

He _has_ to do this.

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Going into that (final) battle with Zarkon...

Yeah.

It should phase him. It should stress him, worry him. He knows that just from looking at the others. But maybe it doesn't from having Death watching over his shoulder all these years...

He's made his peace with the whole dying bit long ago. (It's just the process of it that worries him, but that's small change now.)

Still, just because he's fine with it doesn't mean he isn't willing (able) to fight for every minute of living he has left.

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The bayard...

It's in his hand.

His _hand_

 _and_

 _then_

 _..._

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He opens his eyes. _Okay...this is...different._

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One advantage of the astral plane. He doesn't have a body (that hates him and tries to die on him every other day).

The disadvantage of the astral plane. He doesn't have a body (that anchors him to _other people with bodies_ ).

Yeah. This could be a problem.

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Oh.

 _Kieth_.

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He coughs and gasps and opens his eyes. _Oh. This is..._

"You...saved me."

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Turns out saving is relative, and so is being awake. (Also turns out that this whole resurrection deal is _exhausting._ Who knew?)

He can't say how long they spend on that rock after Lotor, because he spends most of it asleep.

This...new life thing...is obviously going to take a while.

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Words cannot express how grateful he is the cloned-body-that-is-his-now (what a mouthful, he _has_ to find something shorter) is not quite the original.

Because the first thing he does on waking up and being able to _think_ and _walk_ (two distinctly different things that shouldn't really be so vital but they _are_ they _are_ ) is to make his way to Coran and ask for a scan.

Just a baselines scan, because, well, you know.

And Coran does, bless him.

For all his fuss and bother, he's _really_ good at reading between the lines.

Even with all their limited equipment, it doesn't take long. Maybe a few ticks (quintants? is that the right term now?), if that. It just _feels_ longer.

Like a life sentence longer. He tells himself he's being dramatic. (But he's already lived out one life sentence, and isn't really looking forward to living out another.) (But he will, if he has to, because the point in that is _living_.)

Coran turned from the device and favors him with a wide smile. "Congratulations. You're clear."

It's the best words he's heard all his life.


End file.
